Written by: Aneesa Rasheed
No one could have prepared me for life after 2019. The widespread impact of the coronavirus led to nearly a year of quarantine and lockdown, changing our society forever. It seemed like almost everyone was trapped in a void of uncertainty about the future, rooted in the fear of dying from this illness. Four years later, as I process this, I have come to realize I lost my sense of self. Adding to the mix was a combination of anxiety and depression derived from overthinking and finally having the time to process past trauma that had been constantly suppressed by my busy life. I became so lost in negative emotions and self-talk that they clouded my self-perception as I transitioned from a young adult to an adult. From the ages of 20 to 22, I can only recall feeling sad, hopeless, and alone. Genuine smiles were rare, and I often cried for hours, wondering how I ended up so broken.
When things started to return to “normal", I couldn’t remember how to live the life I once did. The world felt even scarier, and I just wanted to hide and avoid facing reality. It was obvious I had developed phobias and became more panicked, unaware of how to interact with others or even navigate the responsibilities required of an adult. Relationships also became strained as many people were lost themselves, and the distance created a brick wall between us. Everyone was so accustomed to isolating within their homes and addicted to their newly established routines.
Routines reflect how we view ourselves. They are a manifestation of our personalities, behaviors, and responsibilities. I remember waking up and instantly seeking pleasure in entertainment and social media. It was the only way to see other human beings, but it came with a price—comparison. Body image is important for everyone, especially as they get older and experience changes, and during this time, it was very difficult to manage. I ate whatever I wanted until I hated myself and the way I looked. The women online seemed so much better. They were going through the same pandemic, but they had their lives together. What was wrong with me? I would try to exercise to help me get on track with my goals and provide a sense of accomplishment, but I was quickly overwhelmed by a lack of motivation. This cycle continued for months. The days blended together, and my frustrations continued to grow. Not being able to leave the house made me wonder, what is considered normal these days? What is expected of me?
As someone who was in the middle of my sophomore year of college when the lockdown began, I eventually finished my degree remotely in 2022. Eventually, things got even worse. Suddenly everything became so fast-paced, and an indescribable amount of pressure caught up to me. Now I felt like I needed to immediately jump back into the world as if the past two years hadn’t happened. This led to a severe decline in my mental health. What is my purpose in life? Is life even worth living anymore? These questions crossed my mind frequently. Everything felt impossible, and my goals seemed out of reach. One step forward ended up being three steps backward. I thought it would be easy, especially with society’s urge to pick things up where they left off, but I was entirely wrong. Then came the challenge of finding a job, another aspect heavily impacted by the pandemic. The job market became, and still is, tough. It is very common for young adults to feel stuck after college, leading to the inability to become independent, financially stable, start a family, or just simply explore life. Each rejection felt like a part of me drifted away. My perception of my true self began to diminish as I started to question my worth. What is wrong with me? Why can’t things work out for me? Careers often define us, and facing the struggle of putting our all into something and receiving nothing back makes room for pessimism, which is common in the world we live in today.
We must acknowledge that we dealt with and survived a pandemic—something crazy to say! As humans, we are always so hard on ourselves, even in situations that are out of our control. I tend to look at my pandemic self as someone who has helped me grow. The pain and sadness needed to exist for me to seek change and heal. Healing is important as it helped me strengthen my mindset so that I can see myself in a positive light. Having the time and space to reflect on our thoughts and emotions allows us to take a step back and assess our goals, gaining clarity on the direction we want to head. Recognizing that the bad and the ugly were once a part of you is what makes you human. Nobody is perfect. Self-identity is something I am still working on, but adopting a healthy lifestyle, seeking out resources, and getting to know yourself is just the beginning of a fulfilling life.
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